Which God?

Do you feel suicidal? Are you fed up with your wife?

D’you ever think you need a bit of faith within your life?

Are you flummoxed by the massive range of gods upon the scene?

Well – have a read of this month’s Which? Consumer Magazine.

Our team of experts really put religion to the test

Reviewing all the major gods and judging which is best.

Assessing sacred substance and the price you’ll have to pay,

Our panel found a deity that won in every way.

The favoured faith is ‘shopping’ – it is worshipped everywhere.

We found that direct purchase is more practical than prayer.

For spiritual experience, or when you’re feeling blue

There’s nothing that a touch of retail therapy can’t do.

You can meditate on glitter to enhance your fingernails

You can reach your own nirvana in the January sales.

Every shop is kosher, and there’s no such place as hell.

and ritual means a damn good shop and chocolate cake as well.

No need to give up luxuries. No karma, sin or guilt.

No need to hide the signs of any seed you might have spilled.

No need to lop your foreskin, or lie prostrate on the floor

And the only place to pilgrim is the factory outlet store.

So hit the road of sanctity with visa card and pen.

Go forth and shop and tell the world of being born again.

But don’t forget your bible, for without it you’re unclean

Subscribe today to Which? The only sacred magazine.